Crybaby Hamstrings

Last week I missed a yoga class because my knee was bothering me. The "good" knee. A friend asked about my absence, here is my response:

 "It's ok...underachiever glute meds + control freak quads = confused IT and seriously pissed popliteus. Trying to get everyone under control."

I'm 2 weeks in with the physical training and my body is reacting. It is acting out. I know enough about the body to expect it- to RESPECT it. This morning as I was massaging out the kinks I thought about that post. I thought- "Yep, and those crybaby hamstrings." WOW. I am treating my body like a misbehaving child that is acting out in an expected way. I would never talk to another person that way and expect a positive outcome. My internal dialogue is not helping me heal. It is causing the "crybabies" to lose even more confidence in themselves. Sure, sometimes I need to hear that I need to toughen up. That's really different from shaming a negative behavior into hiding. I believe in discipline. I want my body to be strong and my muscles to work together at their best to support my efforts. I need to start with my thinking in order to get the best from myself physically.

This simple shift sat with me during my meditation. I felt my body unravel as I felt proud of the work it has put in. My joints opened and let energy flow through them, the muscles that felt the shame of my resentment started to release their grip. They have been shielding themselves, protecting themselves from my critical mind. I've got to honor my body. It is stronger than I believe. It is powerful and graceful. It is a miraculous creation.

Learning To Wait

My first black belts worked for 3.5 years (HARD) before I promoted them. The second group will be more like 4 years. I will keep expanding that, my end goal is to have a black belt at my academy take around 5 years. In the bigger picture of traditional martial arts that is not that long, but in the martial arts culture surrounding me right now I see children being awarded black belt-- SOLID black, not poom-- rank in as little as 2 years. In my opinion that makes a joke out of what earning a black belt means. I have students waiting even at intermediate belts sometimes as long as a year! Bottom line is they are promoted when the skill standard is met. I do take each individual’s development under consideration- but at some point, if there needs to be more work done on a skill before promoting, they will have to wait. They will need to wait, and work and show that they have the desire to improve. They need to show willingness to learn and work even if progress feels slow or frustrating. Real understanding, real teaching and learning is always a process of tearing down and rebuilding to make the whole stronger. You don’t find a weak spot and cover over it with flimsy reinforcements and compensations. You don’t walk around a hole in your floor, you repair it, even if it means more work than you intended. There is always more cost, more time and more work than it looked like from the start.

It is not only about developing real skill, that is the external measure. In our current world of fun, fast and easy this develops work ethic. This develops true self esteem. If a teacher in my position does not absolutely understand how to use positive reinforcement at some point those false “Good job!” praises become a lie. Eventually a student figures that out for themselves- or maybe they don’t and that is part of this entitlement epidemic we are facing- eventually they see that it not real, it is not truth, it is meant to make them FEEL good and not BE good. What is that teaching? Ask anyone that has excelled at anything if getting to that level of accomplishment always felt good. Ask them about fun, fast and easy. In our industry there is so much opportunity to develop these qualities in ourselves and in all of the people we serve. I will continue to make them wait. I believe that learning to wait and learning to work should be taught and that it is a skill to be developed just like a kick or a strike.

Shame Whisperer

I can't tell you how many times I've heard some version of " When I get in better shape I want to start your class."

My response to that is always something about martial arts being the way you get in shape. I always promote with the words that I choose that a high level of fitness is not a prerequisite to getting started. I have a personal testimony to this. If that were true I would not be where I am today, and not just to get started but over and over and over again. Through years of training in anything there are phases of pulling away from high levels of conditioning for many reasons and coming back to it feeling discouraged and not so optimal. But that is life. 

My point is that yesterday I realized that I have been feeding that myth with my actions. I have plenty of talk to encourage and tell people that everyone struggles when they start, and there are new starts spread all through a journey towards any destination. Each day, each step is a new start with new struggles.  BIG TALK. I wasn't walking that talk, not even close. I believed that I was, but by not SHOWING people how I struggle personally I was showing them that struggle is shameful. 

When I take breaks from training and my body is less defined, I cover it up.

I start again...and I do the workouts alone until I feel "fit" to lead them.

I avoid exercises that I struggle with in front of others.

The list goes on. 

Yesterday I had to finish a few rounds of the physical UBBT requirements. I had planned to do it before classes started but I was running late. As they warmed up I did the last sets of push ups...on my knees. I really had to force myself to do it then. I felt ashamed to do the push ups on my knees in front of these kids and their parents. I wanted to stand up and clarify that I had already done SO MANY and my muscles were spent, I wanted to explain why I was struggling. That's when I realized how my actions were feeding this shame gremlin whispering to me, "If you struggle you are weak...If you struggle you are weak....you are the Master, the Master shouldn't struggle with push ups...The Master should make push ups look easy....If they see you struggle they won't believe that you can help them be strong."  

If they see you struggle they won't believe that you can help them be strong. WOW.  I have been promoting this terrible lie to myself. I have been saying one thing and living another and that isn't the integrity that I want to teach or live.

Courtesy. Integrity. Perseverance. Self Control. Indomitable Spirit. At my studio we say it at the end of every class. 

Today I am thankful I will say it with new insight. 

Go Through the Gate

On Sun Salutation #4

Down dog right hip opened or I'm not quite sure the exact spot but my spine immediately opened it was arching up to meet the source and pouring into the back of my skull...

"It is like steel poured into my spine."

I know this feeling, it is now an experience. I will honor it. My center is open. My limbs expand from it, supple and integrated.

___________________________________________

This is a journal entry from September two years ago.

I heard someone say that steel spine quote about their determination. It has continued to resonate with me and bubble up, this time in a powerful physical sensation. Every once in a while I go back to my journals and read where I was and it helps give me direction. I would never, ever have remembered this fantastic moment if I didn't use this practice as research. Often it is to measure, see what is working or not working, documenting many experiences with trial and error. This way of learning works for me. I am much farther along in understanding and have grown measurably in my practice since I stopped seeking out others for truth and looked for it inside myself. I do believe in having teachers and mentors and seeking out the experiences of others for guidance. When I wanted the truth of others to work for me I developed a distrust with myself. I didn't understand why the things that were supposed to work to make me feel my body...to feel connected and whole didn't work. It made me feel broken. I spent a long time searching for answers and still felt confused. I had to find answers of my own in order to trust myself. When I open myself to what is already alive and powerful inside me I am connected in a way that I never would experience had I not been brave enough to look. Brave enough to open the gate.
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"Going through the gate, you enter the house and meet the host. Learning is the gate to attainment of the Way. Therefore learning is the gate, not the house. When you see the gate, do not think it is the house. You have to go through the gate to get to the house, which is inside, behind it."     -Miyamoto Musashi     The Killing Sword

Ten

There are ten stop signs that I pass on the route that I run through my neighborhood.

When I first started running...wow a long time ago, when I was overweight and had just stopped smoking cigarettes...I would tell myself to just get to the next light post before I stopped running. I wanted to do it because I wanted desperately to be in shape. It helped me understand that I hated running. I really hated it.

I had to run at one point for instructor qualifications. I got better at it. I hated it even more.

Then I started this project. I decided that I would run 1000 miles before my next belt test. I decided that I would mark off a little box for every stinking mile. I knew I needed to do it not to become a runner or to make myself like it, I needed to do it for the discipline. When the task started to have a self imposed purpose it got better. I realized that as I was battling with myself, as I was beginning to defy that inner voice that kept telling me how much I hated it, it got better. Better. I still don’t like it. It has helped me understand that what I do like is having the opportunity every few days to let that voice know that it needs to shut up. That voice inside my head can get pretty loud. So loud that it needs to get the wind knocked out of it. It needs to be growled at, snarled at, dealt with. It needs to be shown that I am doing this. That voice is the same one that tells me that I’m not good enough. It wants me to feel insecure because a scared and unfocused mind is easier to keep in that comfortable lie. It tells me not to start because I am not going to like it. It doesn’t like things that are hard and uncomfortable and it screams STOP! STOP. You hate this, JUST STOP!

I look at every one of those ten stop signs along that route. I stare it right in the face like the stubborn, willful girl that I am - and I refuse.

I wondered later if the man on his lawn saw me flipping the stop sign the bird as I got close enough to touch it’s red angry face. I didn’t care in that moment if he saw me or what he thought about my outburst if he did. I was too busy running past that sign. I needed to get on to the next one so I could run right through it too.   

Nine

As I walked out of the back door at work this evening and locked up I was surprised by the rain. I like to run in the rain. It was a soft cool rain, perfect. It had been an emotional few days and the rain was a blessing. I felt my spirits lift and my gut said, RUN! I considered going back in, changing and running right then. I stood there and thought. I felt the rain on my face, on my skin...I love that feeling. But I stood there and thought. I had already sent a text home- I’m on my way, leaving right now. I sat in my car and took out my phone, almost took it back, the rain is here, I want to run in it, I want to shower away the emotional week...but  the rain came down harder, I knew it would be the same at home and I would run there. I pulled in at home, rain still soft, still cool, still calling...got my stuff in, dropped it, laced up and announced my intent. Hit the door and was met with drought. My mind was set on a run so I didn't sway, I knew it would start again, it was so good to feel something going for me, a gift. So I ran the whole course, and not a drop fell. That is the way I feel about this last few days...but what can i do? These are not things I can control.

What I can control is my action, When your gut says to act, always listen. Don’t think too hard, take action. Right then. It is the gift of being present and without accepting it just as it is, it will slip away. This was a lesson in denying my instinct, thinking things through, making my own plans and in effect rejecting the gift meant for only that moment.

A little history:

One day I had just mopped the mats, it felt so good to be standing there after mopping my own mats in my own studio to a beautiful and satisfying clean. I realized how good I felt being able to practice on my own mats (dirty or clean) as I worked through my forms. I began to think about the patterns that I have been working on for so long and how I had practiced these same movements countless times in so many different places, situations, even frames of mind. As this project is progressing I've started a few running lists that I plan to continue to add to through the whole process. I started this list, it is by no means complete or comprehensive, still many to add on but tonight as I ran, my mind heavy with the day, heavy with an emotional afternoon, a new addition to the list bubbled up in my thoughts. Today I added one that brought me to tears.

--

I have done this:

on a stinky sweaty mat

on a freshly mopped mat

in the dark

in the light

when I am happy

when I am sad

when I am open

when I am closed

(I thought of this as a studio open and closed and then me personally being open or closed)

with people watching

by myself

saying I love you

saying fuck you

when I am nervous

when I am peaceful

when I am happy

when I am sad

on asphalt

on the grass

in the mud

on the sand

in the water

in the rain

at my house

in my own studio

in many (? just curious, should count) studios owned by others

at my parent’s

showing off

for a medal

for a judge

for an examiner

for a friend

for my brother

for myself

in the sun

at the park

in a gym

on a stage

filled with joy

to escape grief

and today's addition:

practicing beside people that I hated

practicing beside people that I love

I’m grateful I trusted my gut that I needed to take that run. Sad that the rain wasn't part of it...but still grateful that what I needed to think about was given the opportunity to rise up.

Over the years in martial arts I have seen many relationships come and go. Some I wanted to see go and felt relief when I was free from them. There have been those that I am sad to lose. Keeping touch it is not the same as having a presence in day to day life. It is not the same as working, struggling, sweating beside someone. A few years ago a family starting practicing with me and because of a move for them the days that we will practice together are ending. They came into my life and were exactly what my studio needed, exactly when I needed them. I am better and all of my students are better because of them. They get it, they get me, they get what I am trying to build there and they added to it in a way that I couldn't have planned and can’t and don’t want to try to duplicate. It would be insincere. When it is the real thing, it just is what it is. So I am sad for things to change...but still grateful.

Becoming New

Becoming New

When fighting with enemies, if you get to feeling snarled up and are making no progress, you toss your mood away and think in your heart that you are starting everything anew. As you get the rhythm, you discern how to win. This is "becoming new."
Anytime you feel tension and friction building up between yourself and others, if you change your mind that very moment, you can prevail by the advantage of radical difference. This is "becoming new."
In large-scale military science, it is essential to understand becoming new. It is something that suddenly appears through the power in knowledge of martial arts. This must be well considered.

The Book Of Five Rings - Miyamoto Musashi 

My plan was to stay on this road, keep moving forward...no matter what came into my path. Then the holidays came and I stopped right where I was, even pulled over a little to let them pass. I feel discouraged, there is tension and friction built up between myself and this project. I look at my logs and it has been a month since I practiced my form. With push ups I made progress and now I am right back where I started.

Anytime you feel tension and friction building up between yourself and others, if you change your mind that very moment, you can prevail by the advantage of radical difference. This is "becoming new."

I will change my mind in this moment. I will move ahead, I will be radically different. In the past this is where I would have given up.

This is "becoming new."