Nine

As I walked out of the back door at work this evening and locked up I was surprised by the rain. I like to run in the rain. It was a soft cool rain, perfect. It had been an emotional few days and the rain was a blessing. I felt my spirits lift and my gut said, RUN! I considered going back in, changing and running right then. I stood there and thought. I felt the rain on my face, on my skin...I love that feeling. But I stood there and thought. I had already sent a text home- I’m on my way, leaving right now. I sat in my car and took out my phone, almost took it back, the rain is here, I want to run in it, I want to shower away the emotional week...but  the rain came down harder, I knew it would be the same at home and I would run there. I pulled in at home, rain still soft, still cool, still calling...got my stuff in, dropped it, laced up and announced my intent. Hit the door and was met with drought. My mind was set on a run so I didn't sway, I knew it would start again, it was so good to feel something going for me, a gift. So I ran the whole course, and not a drop fell. That is the way I feel about this last few days...but what can i do? These are not things I can control.

What I can control is my action, When your gut says to act, always listen. Don’t think too hard, take action. Right then. It is the gift of being present and without accepting it just as it is, it will slip away. This was a lesson in denying my instinct, thinking things through, making my own plans and in effect rejecting the gift meant for only that moment.

A little history:

One day I had just mopped the mats, it felt so good to be standing there after mopping my own mats in my own studio to a beautiful and satisfying clean. I realized how good I felt being able to practice on my own mats (dirty or clean) as I worked through my forms. I began to think about the patterns that I have been working on for so long and how I had practiced these same movements countless times in so many different places, situations, even frames of mind. As this project is progressing I've started a few running lists that I plan to continue to add to through the whole process. I started this list, it is by no means complete or comprehensive, still many to add on but tonight as I ran, my mind heavy with the day, heavy with an emotional afternoon, a new addition to the list bubbled up in my thoughts. Today I added one that brought me to tears.

--

I have done this:

on a stinky sweaty mat

on a freshly mopped mat

in the dark

in the light

when I am happy

when I am sad

when I am open

when I am closed

(I thought of this as a studio open and closed and then me personally being open or closed)

with people watching

by myself

saying I love you

saying fuck you

when I am nervous

when I am peaceful

when I am happy

when I am sad

on asphalt

on the grass

in the mud

on the sand

in the water

in the rain

at my house

in my own studio

in many (? just curious, should count) studios owned by others

at my parent’s

showing off

for a medal

for a judge

for an examiner

for a friend

for my brother

for myself

in the sun

at the park

in a gym

on a stage

filled with joy

to escape grief

and today's addition:

practicing beside people that I hated

practicing beside people that I love

I’m grateful I trusted my gut that I needed to take that run. Sad that the rain wasn't part of it...but still grateful that what I needed to think about was given the opportunity to rise up.

Over the years in martial arts I have seen many relationships come and go. Some I wanted to see go and felt relief when I was free from them. There have been those that I am sad to lose. Keeping touch it is not the same as having a presence in day to day life. It is not the same as working, struggling, sweating beside someone. A few years ago a family starting practicing with me and because of a move for them the days that we will practice together are ending. They came into my life and were exactly what my studio needed, exactly when I needed them. I am better and all of my students are better because of them. They get it, they get me, they get what I am trying to build there and they added to it in a way that I couldn't have planned and can’t and don’t want to try to duplicate. It would be insincere. When it is the real thing, it just is what it is. So I am sad for things to change...but still grateful.