Many years ago, when I first started reading books by Thich Nhat Hanh, I would get annoyed when he said things like, "The flower has my smile." Luckily, I kept reading and learned a lesson I didn't know I needed.
As a young adult, I was trying to find more peace within myself by meditating.
I read many books and studied, looking for the way. The correct way. This was serious work, and that's an important factor I continued to overlook as peace eluded me. I was so serious. Working for it. Striving. Those aren't negative ways to go when it comes to learning, and I didn't understand why I wasn't getting a greater sense of peace in return. A friend introduced me to the work of Thich Nhat Hanh, a spiritual leader who was well known for mindfulness and meditation. I was gifted his book, Peace is Every Step- The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life- and dove right in. It was helpful...and it was annoying! Some parts seemed to be the missing pieces I hadn't found elsewhere, and then there would be a little poem like this...
I have lost my smile,
but don't worry.
The dandelion has it.
What in the world? I was confused. It seemed that smiling was everywhere, and I didn't FEEL like smiling. I was trying to be serious about my peace. Smiling at flowers is for preschoolers and "naturally happy" people, which I wasn't. I was the opposite. I was digging and digging into myself for a sense of inner calm and it felt more like suffering than smiling. Looking back I realize that my suffering was a safer feeling than joy, safer than smiling at flowers. I didn't see the point because I had wrapped my struggle and grasping for peace around me like a blanket. It was right there...and I was mad at myself for what seemed like blindness.
My mom was well known for her smile. Anyone she came across, stranger or kin, was met with one. It was broad and beaming. It filled the room with energy. Without using any words or sounds it said , "I see you." It seemed that smiling came to her with ease. Naturally, without thinking. I connected smiling with joy- and I didn't feel anything like that inside.
I continued to read Thich Nhat Hanh's books for many years, taking what I could digest from them at the time. Most was about the importance of peace, how kindness could change our world. I brushed off the smiling as not for me, and applied what I thought were the good and useful parts. Smiling not included. I wanted to kick that dandelion- because it was reminding me that I had no smile for myself.
As the lessons I had applied started to take root that became more apparent. I had kindness for others, but not for myself. I had a smile that I could make. Directed outward, it was like my Mom's smile, and people responded. As I sat and meditated, I wasn't doing that towards myself. Seeing yourself and smiling isn't that simple sometimes. That's what I had decided...until I tried it. I practiced it. I turned my smile inwards, even on hard days when scolding felt more powerful and comfortable than smiling. I finally learned my lesson. It was simple after all, and I was making it much more serious and complicated because of my suffering.
It is a practice. That feeling of warmth and being seen wasn't there automatically and it often still doesn't feel natural, because I'm still learning to turn my smile towards myself. Don't underestimate the value of turning your kindness practice inward.
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