Shame Whisperer

I can't tell you how many times I've heard some version of " When I get in better shape I want to start your class."

My response to that is always something about martial arts being the way you get in shape. I always promote with the words that I choose that a high level of fitness is not a prerequisite to getting started. I have a personal testimony to this. If that were true I would not be where I am today, and not just to get started but over and over and over again. Through years of training in anything there are phases of pulling away from high levels of conditioning for many reasons and coming back to it feeling discouraged and not so optimal. But that is life. 

My point is that yesterday I realized that I have been feeding that myth with my actions. I have plenty of talk to encourage and tell people that everyone struggles when they start, and there are new starts spread all through a journey towards any destination. Each day, each step is a new start with new struggles.  BIG TALK. I wasn't walking that talk, not even close. I believed that I was, but by not SHOWING people how I struggle personally I was showing them that struggle is shameful. 

When I take breaks from training and my body is less defined, I cover it up.

I start again...and I do the workouts alone until I feel "fit" to lead them.

I avoid exercises that I struggle with in front of others.

The list goes on. 

Yesterday I had to finish a few rounds of the physical UBBT requirements. I had planned to do it before classes started but I was running late. As they warmed up I did the last sets of push ups...on my knees. I really had to force myself to do it then. I felt ashamed to do the push ups on my knees in front of these kids and their parents. I wanted to stand up and clarify that I had already done SO MANY and my muscles were spent, I wanted to explain why I was struggling. That's when I realized how my actions were feeding this shame gremlin whispering to me, "If you struggle you are weak...If you struggle you are weak....you are the Master, the Master shouldn't struggle with push ups...The Master should make push ups look easy....If they see you struggle they won't believe that you can help them be strong."  

If they see you struggle they won't believe that you can help them be strong. WOW.  I have been promoting this terrible lie to myself. I have been saying one thing and living another and that isn't the integrity that I want to teach or live.

Courtesy. Integrity. Perseverance. Self Control. Indomitable Spirit. At my studio we say it at the end of every class. 

Today I am thankful I will say it with new insight.