A Lesson I needed to Learn About Kindness

 Many years ago, when I first started reading books by Thich Nhat Hanh, I would get annoyed when he said things like, "The flower has my smile." Luckily, I kept reading and learned a lesson I didn't know I needed. 

As a young adult, I was trying to find more peace within myself by meditating.

I read many books and studied, looking for the way. The correct way. This was serious work, and that's an important factor I continued to overlook as peace eluded me. I was so serious. Working for it. Striving. Those aren't negative ways to go when it comes to learning, and I didn't understand why I wasn't getting a greater sense of peace in return. A friend introduced me to the work of Thich Nhat Hanh, a spiritual leader who was well known for mindfulness and meditation. I was gifted his book, Peace is Every Step- The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life- and dove right in. It was helpful...and it was annoying! Some parts seemed to be the missing pieces I hadn't found elsewhere, and then there would be a little poem like this...

I have lost my smile,

but don't worry.

The dandelion has it.

What in the world? I was confused. It seemed that smiling was everywhere, and I didn't  FEEL like smiling. I was trying to be serious about my peace. Smiling at flowers is for preschoolers and "naturally happy" people, which I wasn't. I was the opposite. I was digging and digging into myself for a sense of inner calm and it felt more like suffering than smiling. Looking back I realize that my suffering was a safer feeling than joy, safer than smiling at flowers. I didn't see the point because I had wrapped my struggle and grasping for peace around me like a blanket. It was right there...and I was mad at myself for what seemed like blindness.  

My mom was well known for her smile. Anyone she came across, stranger or kin, was met with one. It was broad and beaming. It filled the room with energy. Without using any words or sounds it said , "I see you." It seemed that smiling came to her with ease. Naturally, without thinking. I connected smiling with joy- and I didn't feel anything like that inside. 

I continued to read Thich Nhat Hanh's books for many years, taking what I could digest from them at the time. Most was about the importance of peace, how kindness could change our world. I brushed off the smiling as not for me, and applied what I thought were the good and useful parts. Smiling not included. I wanted to kick that dandelion- because it was reminding me that I had no smile for myself. 

As the lessons I had applied started to take root that became more apparent. I had kindness for others, but not for myself. I had a smile that I could make. Directed outward, it was like my Mom's smile, and people responded. As I sat and meditated, I wasn't doing that towards myself. Seeing yourself and smiling isn't that simple sometimes. That's what I had decided...until I tried it. I practiced it. I turned my smile inwards, even on hard days when scolding felt more powerful and comfortable than smiling. I finally learned my lesson. It was simple after all, and I was making it much more serious and complicated because of my suffering.

It is a practice. That feeling of warmth and being seen wasn't there automatically and it often still doesn't feel natural, because I'm still learning to turn my smile towards myself. Don't underestimate the value of turning your kindness practice inward. 

Kind Mind

 What does it mean to suffer as a human being? I have two mindfulness tips that can help align your focus with kindness.

In order to get to my point about kindness that arises naturally from the mind, I'll need to explain a bit about suffering. The first, most important aspect is that it’s unavoidable. It’s part of existence as a human being. The second is that suffering should be acknowledged as such, part of living. Problems are invited in when we don’t recognize suffering as part of living and see it as part of us. 

Pain and suffering are not signs of being defective or being in some way wrong or shameful.

Have you ever wondered how something painful came around, and found yourself looking for a cause in order to assign blame to your suffering? This is a normal way to react to pain. We don’t like to suffer, and our amazing minds can do all sorts of things to soothe our pains. Living hurts. If we bump our elbow in just the wrong spot, it hurts. If we break a bone, it hurts. Grieving and loss hurts. Difficulty connecting and relating to others hurts.

Even if we do everything “right” all of our lives...there’s going to be some pain.  

Sometimes if we struggle with pain and in trying to get rid of it, all sorts of other emotions can get layered on top. Spending lots of time trying to cover up or deny our pains and struggles is where our suffering can get in the way of having a clear mind to deal with what’s going on in our lives. Avoiding the truth of suffering causes even more discomfort. 

So, how can we find some relief?

The first step is to acknowledge what is happening in this moment. Be willing to feel the pain that is here, accept it as is, and let it move through you. This may come in the way of meditation, mindfulness practices, it can be self guided or enlist the help of counseling or therapy. There are many ways to practice, but the idea boils down to this: Don’t get caught up in the emotions and details. Don’t deny any part of it, try to be curious and direct in the experience of your pain. Uncomfortable, yes. I look at it like the preschool anthem “Bear Hunt” where you can’t go around it...you can’t go over it...you can’t go under it...you have to go through it. Breathe and proceed.

When we bring our attention to the present moment, we can tune in to direct experience AND natural wisdom. 

That’s the second step. Recognizing your natural wisdom takes slowing down and letting go of the layers of emotions around the pain, doing some self reflection to see how we really are. This is an important detail to note- our natural wisdom is there even if you don’t see it right away. It can be a frustrating pursuit. It is worth the difficulty, because natural wisdom brings about compassion and healing. The truth of our pain and suffering can be covered up by habits and clinging to safe feelings. All of this can feel overwhelming, but we must develop confidence in our potential for wisdom and compassion even though we suffer. 

When you bring awareness and kindness to your own experience of pain and suffering it can bring clarity to those areas. It will always exist as part of being human, but acknowledging it, and moving through it with wisdom and compassion can help. Getting stuck in patterns of suffering can perpetuate that pain long into the future. Our natural wisdom says that with kindness and compassion we can develop skills to make use of our pain by acknowledging what is happening and becoming less overwhelmed by emotions, attachment and blame, or the implications on our future. 

Pain is not you, it's part of what it is to be human. You have all that you need within you right now to move through difficult times with grace and love. Sit with the truth and breathe. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, painful parts included.

Cancel vs. Kindness Culture

 Regard, success, and desirability can be used to establish the mores or cultural “norms” placed on all of us within society, and are expected to be upheld and enforced by the group. Acceptance of individuality in ourselves and seeing the beauty in differences transforms us and all that we touch. 

"Cancel Culture" is all the rage these days. If you aren’t familiar, it goes something like this:

A person of influence, with many eyes on them, makes a public display regarding another person of influence. These public displays are to make their feelings clear about the other person of influence, and let the world know how they felt they had been treated by them. If the public display is emotionally charged, the eyes on this person of influence may see that the one they hold in high regard has been wronged in some way. The many eyes under the influence of public display then turn on the opposing point of view and swarm in defense, often overwhelming the other with outrage regarding the situation. The outrage is expressed in many ways and can be disguised as public service with the intent to expose the offender’s true nature...as perceived through the circumstance and opposing person of influence. It’s an effective strategy, and it’s been used between humans of influence since relating to others began. Some pre-internet types of this cancel culture could be compared to societal shunning and exile of offenders.

Many tales and myths center around the theme of the outcast. We can learn from these tales that often the central conflict is due to oversight or events outside the control of the culture or the exiled. It can be enforced out of sheer meanness or immature error. Regardless, the various eyes regard them as one way or the other, and pronounce them unacceptable. An example would be The Ugly Duckling. He’s not ugly in reality, he just doesn’t match the others. His own siblings and others of the community peck at him, fly at him, and eventually he even believes what the culture reflects as true and free of opinion bias or personal preference. Cancel culture narrowly defines success and desirability, establishes mandates and measurements of self against these qualities. These inform the mores or cultural “norms” placed on all members and are expected to be upheld and enforced by the group.

This is an old, old story. It is still unfolding in our own time, under our own eyes. When the culture has evolved to a more conscious and reasoning one, the internal mores as defined will have ideas about what a person should look like, act like, and perform in ways that aren’t inclusive of divergence. Divergence is a threat in this culture, and is treated as such. In the story of The Ugly Duckling even the mother of a child who is different must choose between the community values and her child. Some of the most destructive cultural conditions to be born into and to live under insist on obedience without consulting one’s own instinctual knowing. This is what we call insight. It is the instinct we humans are born with but must develop as we mature. Neglect of insight, or instinctive knowing is encouraged by a mean-spirited culture. Cancel anything that comes into conflict with the culture, no checking in with one’s own soul.

That’s the antidote to cancel culture. Choosing soul over society means looking at differences with loving-kindness and compassion.

It means that we can’t be held back by economic tiers, systems, or other external constructs that make us appear good or bad within the society.  We must trust compassion and follow curiosity and creativity as our guides. The way to kindness instead of cancel calls for the more fierce soul qualities. It must be trained and developed to be strong enough to withstand the swarm of followers insisting on compliance at all costs. You must be like the heroes and heroines of the myths and stories and seek out what the soul needs over the needs of a destructive culture. Even if the qualities of kindness and compassion are discouraged, seek them out. Find them, shelter them, nurture their growth in spite of societal norms. An instinctually mature adult has the tools to do harm or to help, they are all within us. This is gained by watching those around us who are wise and tempered like steel. They have become strong for what they have gone through...and are still kind. They know about the cost of experience, and the kindness that remains through hardship comes from developing resilience. It comes naturally with a soulful understanding of self and expressing it through pursuits such as work, rest, love, and hope.  Resilience doesn’t evolve from living more well behaved, restrained or subdued. It is born from the idea that you should be just what you are, and let the others be what they are too. Struggle through it. Acceptance of individuality in ourselves and seeing the beauty in differences transforms us and all it touches. Choose kindness towards differences and we can learn from them instead of erasing them. Learn from them, don’t draw back or hide, and even if life gets ugly sometimes... with resilience you can withstand whatever comes your way, and remain kind. 

Does Kindness Affect Your Health?

 Can cultivating a positive emotion such as gratitude contribute to better health? Studies say it’s not only possible, it’s essential to finding mind-body balance.

"Gratitude is an emotion expressing appreciation for what one has—as opposed to a consumer-oriented emphasis on what one wants or needs. Gratitude is getting a great deal of attention as a facet of positive psychology: Studies show that we can deliberately cultivate gratitude, and can increase our well-being and happiness by doing so. In addition, grateful thinking—and especially expression of it to others—is associated with increased levels of energy, optimism, and empathy." -Psychology Today

Living purposefully kind sustains my belief in the good within myself... which is essential for my emotional health. The emotional and physical health link is inseparable, and in my experience kindness is energy for the spirit. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel good in a way that affects my physical state. This may be viewed as alternative from the usual prescription of diet, exercise, supplements or medicine, but there is scientific evidence that supports creating a positive state of mental health improves physical functioning and reduces pain. 

Here are 2 ways to find a kindness energy boost for yourself:

• Spend a few minutes writing a DONE list. The TO-DO list can show all the things ahead, but taking a look at what you've accomplished can give a new perspective.
• Give someone a genuine compliment. As you go through your day, take a look at the people you come across. If you see something that you want to compliment, speak up! Seeing another person smile, or just the fact that you noticed them can be uplifting for both of you.

"So, empathy does not only resolve problems, it helps us feel better. Studies have shown that people who are more capable of empathy are also more satisfied in life, healthier, less dogmatic, and more creative." The Power of Kindness Piero Ferrucci

Comment with any tips you have to share for a kindness boost!

Kindness Matters

When I laid out the curriculum for my new martial arts studio in 2010, I decided to experiment with the systems that I'd been taught as traditional instruction methods. Within each level leading to black belt it is customary to recognize steps toward the next level with a piece of tape on the belt. This is a symbol of recognition, awarded to those showing proficiency in areas of the curriculum such as basics or self-defense movements. Not long ago, a serious martial arts teacher would have rolled their eyes at the notion of including elements like acts of kindness in their requirements for advancement, but I was interested in testing what I'd been learning from less traditional sources. I knew that random acts of kindness would have benefits on their own, but I decided that I wanted to talk about them with our group, and how they make us feel.

I began to require an act of kindness, followed by a letter or drawn explanation from every student for every belt level. This act would be recognized on all belts with an orange-colored tape and was required for advancement. The orange-colored tape had just as much to do with promotion to the next belt as kicking or sparring. My goal was to get students and parents to understand that training in martial arts is more than self-defense or physical fitness. Over ten years Champion Taekwondo's students generated thousands of random acts of kindness. I know the impact that had on our community because it was taught to me over and over as those affected shared their stories.

Every note that came to me in exchange for that orange bit of tape meant something different to the person on both sides of the kindness. As I read these notes about the specific act of kindness at the end of class... I could feel the energy of the room lift. Everyone (almost) enjoyed the orange stripe moment to shine for different reasons, and there were a few that dodged the spotlight altogether. I've gotten notes on letterhead and scrap papers, drawn-out, and brief- all types. All of them said the same thing to me, they might have been about doing a chore or spending time, or a secret in-depth kindness ninja practice... but for ten years strong, I always saw the same thing. Kindness matters. It was just as important in my curriculum as burpees, and in some cases more transformative to the individual. 

 Cultivating these opportunities for people is an ongoing act of kindness. Sharing it acknowledges my interconnection with others and the world. It sustains my belief in the good within myself and the world. It makes me feel good. When I feel good, I do good. Try spreading some kindness and see what happens!

I'm Still Afraid. But I'm Strong. Brazilian Jiu-jitsu for Women and Self Defense

Today a female personal training client of one of the guys in my Brazilian Jiu-jitsu class stuck around and was watching while we trained. After class as I was leaving she stopped me to talk. She said, "When he was all over you like that and choking you I just kept thinking, she is so brave."

She is so brave. Here's the thing- and I told her this- I'm still afraid.

I train in a mostly male environment. This is somewhat by choice, but really because there aren't very many women training Jiu-jitsu. Seeing a female black belt in BJJ is like seeing a unicorn. That's changing but it's still by far a male dominated environment. Here is the problem with that: when a women wants to get better at defending herself, my top suggestion would be to train regularly in BJJ. If you want to learn self defense, you need to be willing to train with men. If you find the right place, they respect you, they get what you are trying to do. They want to help you, not hurt you. But- that doesn't mean it won't hurt.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is hard. And close. And super uncomfortable.

What do you think a situation that calls for self defense will be like?

I don't like it. I don't like getting smashed and choked. But I trust my training partners, I found the right gym where I feel safe. I know that if it gets to be too much I can tap. I'm not some pain freak that likes it. I don't like it. But I do understand the benefits.

It makes my body strong. Stronger than any fitness endeavor I've tried. In grappling you use all of your body all of the time. I'm sore after every single training and I've been training consistently for almost 2 years. If there are parts of me that are weaker they will be made stronger just by the nature of the training.

It makes my mind strong. Because there is so much discomfort involved, I have to convince myself to do it. I have to be disciplined enough to keep showing up. That is winning battle number one. I panic when I'm physically overwhelmed. Twice in competition I've panic tapped and given up a match because I got overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. As humans we instinctively move away from pain and towards pleasure. Away from discomfort and towards comfort. Too much of that and I become weak. Physically and mentally. If you want to learn self defense you have to be willing to get uncomfortable. No way around it.

There's no tap out in self defense. But if my body and mind are at least exposed to the sensations of harder, closer and super uncomfortable I'll have a chance. I'll have some tools. I'll have the element of surprise in my favor. I won't be targeted as an easy victim just because of confidence and the way I carry myself.

Even though it looked like brave to her, I still have plenty of my own fears to fight.
But if you can just be brave enough to look at the truth, see what it takes and show up, and show up and keep showing up, you will be stronger. And that strength isn't just for self defense, it translates to stronger in your whole life. Strong feels good.

Why I Started, Why I Stayed

My Why

Because I started martial arts at 23, fat

and desperate. I couldn’t hold a plank.

If I bent my arms at all for a push up I

collapsed. I was weak physically and mentally.

But I wanted to be different.

I didn’t know how but I wanted it. And

I wanted it to be easy, and I wanted

it to be hard. I was scared but I was

brave because I stayed.

I was brave because I stayed.

I used to think I was weak because I

stayed and at certain times I was. But for

whatever reasons I’ve ended up at the 
right places at the right times and

here I am.

I am transformed. I am totally and

fully transformed by this journey

in martial arts.

I know this in my heart.

But I keep trying to prove it to

everyone. I keep trying to prove it

to myself.

Because in my head I’m still that

fat, lonely, and scared girl that

doesn’t believe she can.

Even though I’ve seen and lived

through breaking that part of me

and making it stronger

OVER AND OVER AND OVER

I still struggle.

I wanted to be better,

keep pushing and growing  but why?

I would practice in secret

and make extreme promises to myself

I couldn’t keep-

And kept falling short of what

I wanted to “prove”  

so what I kept learning is

you can’t, you’re not enough,

you’re not worthy.

But I know that’s a lie.

I know that is shame

whispering in my ear and

I’m ready to shut that

Bitch up-

And the only way is stepping

into the light.

What has kept me hiding is

shame.

What is missing is accountability.

You can’t be hidden and be

held accountable.

You can’t stay in the shadows

and feel the sunshine.

The only thing keeping me there

is my self doubt

I have the support of my family

that loves me I have the support

of my students who love me

The only one in my way here

is me.

So- I’m ready to step into

the arena

& fight & get dusty and

dirty & bruised

But along with that comes triumph.

I will be in the light

and not in the crowd

Because the people brave

enough to step into the

battle & be authentic

& transparent &

  just

 Simply

 Real

are the ones that

inspire others to let

their light shine.

I want to be cracked open

so my light can

pour out

Because I have a light worth

Seeing  -