Why I Started, Why I Stayed

My Why

Because I started martial arts at 23, fat

and desperate. I couldn’t hold a plank.

If I bent my arms at all for a push up I

collapsed. I was weak physically and mentally.

But I wanted to be different.

I didn’t know how but I wanted it. And

I wanted it to be easy, and I wanted

it to be hard. I was scared but I was

brave because I stayed.

I was brave because I stayed.

I used to think I was weak because I

stayed and at certain times I was. But for

whatever reasons I’ve ended up at the 
right places at the right times and

here I am.

I am transformed. I am totally and

fully transformed by this journey

in martial arts.

I know this in my heart.

But I keep trying to prove it to

everyone. I keep trying to prove it

to myself.

Because in my head I’m still that

fat, lonely, and scared girl that

doesn’t believe she can.

Even though I’ve seen and lived

through breaking that part of me

and making it stronger

OVER AND OVER AND OVER

I still struggle.

I wanted to be better,

keep pushing and growing  but why?

I would practice in secret

and make extreme promises to myself

I couldn’t keep-

And kept falling short of what

I wanted to “prove”  

so what I kept learning is

you can’t, you’re not enough,

you’re not worthy.

But I know that’s a lie.

I know that is shame

whispering in my ear and

I’m ready to shut that

Bitch up-

And the only way is stepping

into the light.

What has kept me hiding is

shame.

What is missing is accountability.

You can’t be hidden and be

held accountable.

You can’t stay in the shadows

and feel the sunshine.

The only thing keeping me there

is my self doubt

I have the support of my family

that loves me I have the support

of my students who love me

The only one in my way here

is me.

So- I’m ready to step into

the arena

& fight & get dusty and

dirty & bruised

But along with that comes triumph.

I will be in the light

and not in the crowd

Because the people brave

enough to step into the

battle & be authentic

& transparent &

  just

 Simply

 Real

are the ones that

inspire others to let

their light shine.

I want to be cracked open

so my light can

pour out

Because I have a light worth

Seeing  -