Kind to Others, Kind to Ourselves

 Practice extending compassion to yourself... just as you would to another person. Remind yourself that it's okay to take a break and check in with your own needs. 

One of the most important ways of kindness can be easily overlooked.

We all have those days when the stress and day-to-day life can feel overwhelming. Mental tension and physical tension are closely linked, and kindness doesn't cure the tension of a rough day...but it can be a balm to help you through. 

Kindness expressed inward can be difficult when being tough on ourselves or if pushing through is a fixed mindset. Practice extending compassion to yourself... just as you would to another person. Remind yourself that it's okay to take a break and check in with your own needs. 

Here are 2 quick ways to check in with yourself and show compassion inward. 

1. Food and mood are linked!

Are you hungry or tired? When life gets busy, sometimes the basics can get overlooked. If you're running on empty, have a snack. Instead of a coffee, drink a big glass of water. Take a 20 minute nap. 

2. Breath meditation can help calm anxious feelings. 

Find a quiet space and sit or stand comfortably. Pay close attention to the feeling of the physical actions of breathing. Don’t try to change anything, just notice what is happening.

You can say to yourself as you breathe: “I breathe in….I breathe out.” This helps the mind anchor to the breath as your point of concentration. Continue for a few breaths, or until you can feel yourself relax.

Martial Arts and Crafts

Thank you for saying this. I try to keep it in mind but still...

I get frustrated when it seems like all I actually do is say the same few things over and over. On the mat. Off the mat. Communicating is extra hard when I'm caught up in not being heard or misunderstood. Makes me think about how long it took me to hear what I needed to hear and turn down any path towards discovery. Owning it. 

The best teachers were constantly steering me in the direction I needed to go to grow. The worst ones held bits back so students never owned anything and ensured they kept some feelings of power. 

And another quote from Rory comes to mind-

"Just because you've said something a thousand times doesn't mean your students have heard it a thousand times."

I have to question myself all the time, am I talking to fill the space and seem important or am I noticing when something important doesn't land? I can repeat myself like a parrot or I can figure out what's missing in my communication. Some things take maturity and I have to give space and time for growth, stop insisting and let it get processed in it's own way. Some things I need to present a thousand different ways and the moment of the discovery...the lightbulb- it's worth all the saying and showing and getting creative and waiting and letting them grow. That's the stuff I can control. I can't understand it through experience for them...to pass on ownership I have to let that go and allow them to pick up what I put down. 

The Student Becomes The Teacher

 As a full time martial arts instructor and studio owner, over the ten years from 2010-2020 I practiced and taught patterns commonly referred to as "forms" or poomsae/kata. They are a series of movements designed to teach many martial arts lessons, and today I was reminded of one that I learned as I started developing my own students. I was involved in martial arts and worked for a few different teachers from 1996-2010, when I opened my own studio. Over those years I was in the role of student and there was always someone on the mat or involved in the business who was my senior in the martial arts ranking system. I thought, once I founded my own studio and was the most senior rank...that's the moment I became the teacher. This was true in the traditional sense of all the martial arts businesses I knew and how they operated. It wasn't unique to my particular style or affiliation. It was how I knew it "worked" and it did work for me for a few years, until I started digging deeper into leadership development and coaching more senior ranks who had started their training under my instruction. 

This idea of becoming the teacher (especially referring to "master" level) was generally reserved for black belts fourth degree and higher. By the time I reached this level myself I had known many black belts and had an idea of what that meant, but the experience of teaching opened doors I didn't realize were closed to me until I took that step. This was reaffirmed this morning, as I practiced in the park along with other students trying to remember the forms. We went through each level, eight color belt forms and three black belt forms. The young man I'd been training was ready to learn the next form, black belt four. I hadn't practiced this form myself in years. As I watched him flow through the third form, I thought I should do the fourth so it would be fresh in my mind as I explained it to him. I stepped to the side and I was surprised at how easily it came to me after at least two years of not really focusing on the higher black belt forms at all. I second guessed my memory on one movement, but a quick internet search confirmed that I was doing it correctly and I was confident sharing the form with my student. Once he was practicing I thought I'd do the next one just for fun, the fifth black belt form was one of my favorites but I hadn't practiced that one in MANY years. I stepped to the side again, expecting the memory to return as I began, but I only got through a few counts before I was stumped. It was like I hadn't learned it at all.  I had tested in front of a panel of other masters for this form! I was drawing a complete blank. I checked the internet again. Maybe if I watched I would remember, I just needed a hint-  but no, it was like I needed to completely relearn the form again. At this point it was time to move on and we started with self defense, I knew that with a bit of review and practice it would come back. I wasn't too concerned, but I was thinking in the background as we finished up the session...what was the difference with forms four and five? Why could I recall one so easily and correctly after many years but not the other? Once I got home and had a bit of quiet the answer came to me...of course! The same lesson I had seen over and over in my own students as they came through the ranks was this: the best way to learn something, not just memorize movements, but REALLY learn- was to teach someone else what you want to remember. That was the difference between black belt form four and five. The fourth I had taught to someone and the fifth I had only practiced for my own understanding. 

This was an important leadership lesson I had discovered years ago as I wanted my own students to gain their own insight and deeper knowledge of the curriculum. The secret was expecting them to teach what they learned to the ranks below. That is why I started an in depth leadership program at much lower levels than tradition had shown. My own experience of teaching and sharing everything I knew with my students wasn't enough to give someone ownership of a technique. That comes when you give it to someone else who wants to learn. I've let the students become teachers to each other for years, and they remember more than many groups of black belts I've worked with, not because of me and my knowledge, but because I allowed and expected them to be able to pass the technique to another.  Expecting the student to become the teacher through experience teaching has been a better retainer for knowledge and understanding for my students, and as I was reminded this morning, for myself. 

Timesaving Devices

"...if timesaving devices really saved time, there would be more time available to us now than ever before in history. But, strangely enough, we seem to have less time than even a few years ago. It's really great fun to go someplace where there are no timesaving devices because, when you do, you find you have lots of time. Elsewhere, you're too busy working to pay for machines to save you time so you won't have to work so hard.

The main issue with this great obsession with Saving Time is very simple: you can't save time. You can only spend it. But you can spend it wisely or foolishly."

The Tao of Pooh - Benjamin Hoff

This morning I wrote about my time saving machine the internet and the laptop marketplace that calls to me when I feel unmotivated.  Tonight as I was reading about being a Bisy Backson (see Pooh's way...or stick around because I struggle with this a lot) and it became clear.

I keep trying to find the easier way. The way that will make me feel better about the stuff that I'm not feeling good about.

The time spent looking for that feeling is just stalling. I use my timesaving device to shop on the internet...I rarely even buy stuff! I just look at exercise equipment that could help me with push ups when the thing that will really help me with push ups is doing some stinking push ups. But push ups are not what FEELS good right then. My problem is looking for information or equipment to help me with what I need to do. I can spend hours looking for just the right "thing" which I rarely ever actually purchase. It is just denial...avoidance of action. I'm looking for inspiration that will somehow make me excited about the sucky stuff. New timer? New work out clothes? New book about making push ups suck less??? Distractions. Only thing that will make push ups suck less is doing them. Too often I've not worked out or gotten the thing I'm not feeling like doing done because I ran out of time. Well...

"The Bisy Backson has practically no time at all, because he's too busy wasting it by trying to save it."

Emotions are good advisors but bad kings.

Today I'm tired. My body and my brain are not too happy with this project at the moment. There is stuff to do, the day is moving forward, my feelings about where I am physically or mentally won't slow down time. Those feelings can slow down my progress though. They cause trouble for me often. I'm not sure who said this, I think it's just an old proverb but I saw it on a blog that I like the other day. ( In Over Your Head - Julien Smith)

Emotions are good advisors but bad kings.

This is what emotion is telling me to do: online shopping. It is a simple cycle of habit, and today it is really screaming and pouting and throwing a fit. Here's how habits work.

Cue -> Routine -> Reward

Cue -> tired, uninspired, needing external motivation
Routine -> online shopping/ browsing
Reward -> looking at stuff I want, thinking about stuff I want

While I was thinking about this cycle I remembered something similar that I would do as a kid. I didn't have the internet but I had catalogs. I remember pretending that I had a wish and that I could choose anything and as much as I wanted from the catalog. I would spend hours in this fantasy. Browsing, pondering, changing my mind...selecting just the right thing.

Cue -> sad, lonely, no resources to get the "stuff" I wanted
Routine -> escape to an elaborate fantasy of getting that "stuff"
Reward -> unrealistic perception that the wanting/having that "stuff" would make me feel not lonely or sad

Part of this project is getting rid of or saying no to 1000 things. I've been chipping away at that and I'm writing a list of what I let go of and how I felt about it. This is very difficult for me. I've been attaching that emotional stuff to my "stuff" for a long time. I know it is much more than letting go of things that aren't serving my purpose at the moment...it is not looking to that to make me FEEL in the first place.

The first step to breaking a bad habit is recognizing it for what it is. Next is belief.  I believe there is a better way than wanting "stuff". I believe real is better than fantasy.

Take Time To Breathe Out

 Breathing. It's natural and automatic, governed by part of the brain that cares for bodily functions which may seem beyond our conscious control. It just happens... so why think about breathing? 

#1: Breathing meditation is a powerful tool to help you become more aware of your body and state of mind.

Becoming aware of how you are breathing is profoundly important for anyone looking to deepen the relationship between mind and body. The fact that you don't NEED to think about breathing means that often we are unaware of the myriad ways it affects our state in every moment of life.  

#2: Breathwork is the foundation of many practices like yoga and martial arts... and often overlooked. 

Have you heard the sound of a sharp exhale or yell during martial arts? If you've attended a yoga class you've likely heard the exaggerated in and out breath sounds, or joined in a few "OM" chants. That's breathwork in action. In all of these common examples one thing is obvious but may be easily disregarded because the sounds seem to be the point... but the sound is a by-product of emphasis on the breath.

The first style of meditation I learned was focused on breathing. I still use it often and find it helpful to revisit even after many years. It can be practiced by anyone, anywhere and only has two basic steps.

Step One: Start with abdominal breathing. Make sure that no matter your position, you can let your abdomen move freely. Try to keep your chest still as you get started, and as you breathe in let your belly expand. As you exhale move your navel back towards your spine. Spend a few breaths feeling that movement. Breathe at a normal pace, but your breath rate will naturally slow down as you practice more abdominal breathing. Once this feels natural, add chest movement. Expand the abdomen first, then let the ribs take the breath further...last thing to move should be the collar bones. Reverse the order as you exhale. Practice this if it feels awkward, it won't take long and you can slip into this type of breathing smoothly and naturally. Take the time to feel your body move with each inhale and exhale.

Step Two: Once you are filling your entire lung space with breathing you will naturally feel more calmness. If you want to take it a step further, try triphasic breathing. This is following a count for three parts of the breath. Try breathing in for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 4 seconds and breathing out for four seconds. You can do this many different ways, extending the exhale for as long as 8 or 16 counts. If you get dizzy at any point take a break, you may need to get used to elevated levels of oxygen coming into your blood through your lungs. Don't worry if you start yawning, that's also a natural function of your body to process bringing in more oxygen and release excess carbon dioxide.

If the counting is distracting or stressful, don't worry about that...just breathe deeply as in step one and try to let go of thinking in words. Instead of thinking about a count or even saying "in" and "out " to yourself focus on feeling the breath come in and out. The sensation of the breath moving is the most calming part for me, but focusing entirely on this can take some practice. It is normal to notice things that weren't apparent before, like a clock ticking or humming of a fan. Try not to get wrapped up in emptying your mind of any distractions because fighting or making sense of things is just creating more word attachments to thinking in your mind. Notice and then let go of thoughts as they come. Sometimes I visualize a leaf floating by in a stream and connect my thought to that. I let it float by on the leaf and allow it to float right by without trying to take it from the water. Clouds are another way to visualize thoughts during this type of practice, notice them and then allow them to drift away. 

Doing this for even a few minutes can improve your mental and physical well being, and over time can be a type of preventative medicine. I hope you take some time to breathe and see the benefits for yourself! 

The Spaces Between Rewards

 Staying motivated to reach goals can be tough...this shift in awareness helped me find joy in the process. 

   

"What do you like doing best in the world, Pooh?"

 "Well," said Pooh, "what I like best---" and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you begin to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.

 The honey doesn't taste so good once it is being eaten; the goal doesn't mean so much once it has been reached; the reward is not so rewarding once it has been given. If we add up all the rewards in our lives, we won't have very much. 

But, if we add up the spaces between the rewards, we'll come up with quite a bit. And if we add up the rewards and the spaces, then we'll have everything- every minute of time that we spent.                             

That doesn't mean the goals we have don't count. They do, mostly because they cause us to go through the process, and it's the process that makes us wise, happy, or whatever...Enjoyment of the process is the secret that erases the myths of the Great Reward and Saving Time.

 

I've spent time over the last twenty five years in martial arts avoiding the process because like any endeavor that takes time and effort, at some point it gets uncomfortable. In the process of getting good at something,  many times I've aimed my focus on the Great Reward to keep me going. I know it's one of the reasons I've been at it this long, there's always been something new to strive towards.  There are new belt levels or titles, techniques or skills that seemed to contain what I wanted. I wondered how to get there quickly, what can I do to be better and saving time. That "Eye  on the Prize" mentality had me hooked, and simply by sticking it out this long I got good enough. Good enough to teach, good enough to do my own thing, good enough that I'm fortunate enough to make a living off of it. 

Pooh has me wondering though. Silly old bear. What would it take for me to be more than good enough?

What if I was more aware than just slogging through reps... 

So, I started looking at the process.  What if instead of just cranking out reps-what if I was fully engaged in ALL of the process? I've always liked martial arts enough that the love balanced out the hard times, and the pain wasn't enough to get

 in the way of the gain. What if I let go of the goal and just experience exactly where I am with all this? What will I learn from that? According to Pooh's Way,  and with practice focusing my awareness, I can have the momentary joy of not only the reward but ALSO the joy of every moment in between.

 

"What could we call that moment

 before we begin to eat the honey? Some would call it anticipation, but we think it's more than that. We would call it awareness. It's when we become happy and realize it, if only for an instant. By Enjoying the Process, we can stretch the awareness out so it's no longer only a moment, but covers the whole thing."

-Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh