I'm Still Afraid. But I'm Strong. Brazilian Jiu-jitsu for Women and Self Defense

Today a female personal training client of one of the guys in my Brazilian Jiu-jitsu class stuck around and was watching while we trained. After class as I was leaving she stopped me to talk. She said, "When he was all over you like that and choking you I just kept thinking, she is so brave."

She is so brave. Here's the thing- and I told her this- I'm still afraid.

I train in a mostly male environment. This is somewhat by choice, but really because there aren't very many women training Jiu-jitsu. Seeing a female black belt in BJJ is like seeing a unicorn. That's changing but it's still by far a male dominated environment. Here is the problem with that: when a women wants to get better at defending herself, my top suggestion would be to train regularly in BJJ. If you want to learn self defense, you need to be willing to train with men. If you find the right place, they respect you, they get what you are trying to do. They want to help you, not hurt you. But- that doesn't mean it won't hurt.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is hard. And close. And super uncomfortable.

What do you think a situation that calls for self defense will be like?

I don't like it. I don't like getting smashed and choked. But I trust my training partners, I found the right gym where I feel safe. I know that if it gets to be too much I can tap. I'm not some pain freak that likes it. I don't like it. But I do understand the benefits.

It makes my body strong. Stronger than any fitness endeavor I've tried. In grappling you use all of your body all of the time. I'm sore after every single training and I've been training consistently for almost 2 years. If there are parts of me that are weaker they will be made stronger just by the nature of the training.

It makes my mind strong. Because there is so much discomfort involved, I have to convince myself to do it. I have to be disciplined enough to keep showing up. That is winning battle number one. I panic when I'm physically overwhelmed. Twice in competition I've panic tapped and given up a match because I got overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. As humans we instinctively move away from pain and towards pleasure. Away from discomfort and towards comfort. Too much of that and I become weak. Physically and mentally. If you want to learn self defense you have to be willing to get uncomfortable. No way around it.

There's no tap out in self defense. But if my body and mind are at least exposed to the sensations of harder, closer and super uncomfortable I'll have a chance. I'll have some tools. I'll have the element of surprise in my favor. I won't be targeted as an easy victim just because of confidence and the way I carry myself.

Even though it looked like brave to her, I still have plenty of my own fears to fight.
But if you can just be brave enough to look at the truth, see what it takes and show up, and show up and keep showing up, you will be stronger. And that strength isn't just for self defense, it translates to stronger in your whole life. Strong feels good.

Why I Started, Why I Stayed

My Why

Because I started martial arts at 23, fat

and desperate. I couldn’t hold a plank.

If I bent my arms at all for a push up I

collapsed. I was weak physically and mentally.

But I wanted to be different.

I didn’t know how but I wanted it. And

I wanted it to be easy, and I wanted

it to be hard. I was scared but I was

brave because I stayed.

I was brave because I stayed.

I used to think I was weak because I

stayed and at certain times I was. But for

whatever reasons I’ve ended up at the 
right places at the right times and

here I am.

I am transformed. I am totally and

fully transformed by this journey

in martial arts.

I know this in my heart.

But I keep trying to prove it to

everyone. I keep trying to prove it

to myself.

Because in my head I’m still that

fat, lonely, and scared girl that

doesn’t believe she can.

Even though I’ve seen and lived

through breaking that part of me

and making it stronger

OVER AND OVER AND OVER

I still struggle.

I wanted to be better,

keep pushing and growing  but why?

I would practice in secret

and make extreme promises to myself

I couldn’t keep-

And kept falling short of what

I wanted to “prove”  

so what I kept learning is

you can’t, you’re not enough,

you’re not worthy.

But I know that’s a lie.

I know that is shame

whispering in my ear and

I’m ready to shut that

Bitch up-

And the only way is stepping

into the light.

What has kept me hiding is

shame.

What is missing is accountability.

You can’t be hidden and be

held accountable.

You can’t stay in the shadows

and feel the sunshine.

The only thing keeping me there

is my self doubt

I have the support of my family

that loves me I have the support

of my students who love me

The only one in my way here

is me.

So- I’m ready to step into

the arena

& fight & get dusty and

dirty & bruised

But along with that comes triumph.

I will be in the light

and not in the crowd

Because the people brave

enough to step into the

battle & be authentic

& transparent &

  just

 Simply

 Real

are the ones that

inspire others to let

their light shine.

I want to be cracked open

so my light can

pour out

Because I have a light worth

Seeing  -