Eighteen - Bitter/Sweet

This is going to be a tough week.

My eldest is graduating High School on Friday.

Connection. Family.
I will watch my daughter walk down an isle.
These big moments make me acutely aware that my mother is not with me.
As my children grow it makes me aware of my aging- plus today is my birthday.
I will have out of town guests, there will be a big party at my home.
I'm a worker. All this socializing tends to be more work than it needs to be. I want to stay focused on the connection of it rather that the execution. I have plenty of help, all I need to do is ask. Allowing myself to accept help will be a part of meditations this week. I am capable. If I stay focused on the connection rather than the execution I can realize that the physical part of it all doesn't need to be perfect. This is VERY challenging for me.

I will have to do the minimum when it comes to my physical training. This drives me crazy. Seriously crazy to the point that I convince myself it is better to just not do any training. Or not do things like this test, or not look at my data at all, or forget to practice what I teach. I have to give myself permission to just do the minimum to stay on track. That will be progress. In the personal growth area that will be MAJOR progress.

A busy schedule and entertaining historically are a diet recipe for disaster. Today I am prepping my meals for the 2nd week. This has had a huge impact on my first month of training. It will be one of the keys to keeping my intake on track any week but especially ones like these. In the next few weeks I will start posting about how I am doing that and successes/learning opportunities so far.

My list of what will help:
meal prep - do my reps - be realistic - consider my overwhelm's affect on others - stay grateful

- Be brave in facing connection.  That is it's own post. Or a book.

I want to stay awake and brave and vulnerable in these moments. Even when my heart is so filled with joy that it aches and I worry that it may burst. I want to let it open and break because that is how resilience grows. My heart, my love, my courage is like any muscle. It hurts and feels wonderful to push and make them stronger.    Bitter/Sweet

Crybaby Hamstrings

Last week I missed a yoga class because my knee was bothering me. The "good" knee. A friend asked about my absence, here is my response:

 "It's ok...underachiever glute meds + control freak quads = confused IT and seriously pissed popliteus. Trying to get everyone under control."

I'm 2 weeks in with the physical training and my body is reacting. It is acting out. I know enough about the body to expect it- to RESPECT it. This morning as I was massaging out the kinks I thought about that post. I thought- "Yep, and those crybaby hamstrings." WOW. I am treating my body like a misbehaving child that is acting out in an expected way. I would never talk to another person that way and expect a positive outcome. My internal dialogue is not helping me heal. It is causing the "crybabies" to lose even more confidence in themselves. Sure, sometimes I need to hear that I need to toughen up. That's really different from shaming a negative behavior into hiding. I believe in discipline. I want my body to be strong and my muscles to work together at their best to support my efforts. I need to start with my thinking in order to get the best from myself physically.

This simple shift sat with me during my meditation. I felt my body unravel as I felt proud of the work it has put in. My joints opened and let energy flow through them, the muscles that felt the shame of my resentment started to release their grip. They have been shielding themselves, protecting themselves from my critical mind. I've got to honor my body. It is stronger than I believe. It is powerful and graceful. It is a miraculous creation.

Learning To Wait

My first black belts worked for 3.5 years (HARD) before I promoted them. The second group will be more like 4 years. I will keep expanding that, my end goal is to have a black belt at my academy take around 5 years. In the bigger picture of traditional martial arts that is not that long, but in the martial arts culture surrounding me right now I see children being awarded black belt-- SOLID black, not poom-- rank in as little as 2 years. In my opinion that makes a joke out of what earning a black belt means. I have students waiting even at intermediate belts sometimes as long as a year! Bottom line is they are promoted when the skill standard is met. I do take each individual’s development under consideration- but at some point, if there needs to be more work done on a skill before promoting, they will have to wait. They will need to wait, and work and show that they have the desire to improve. They need to show willingness to learn and work even if progress feels slow or frustrating. Real understanding, real teaching and learning is always a process of tearing down and rebuilding to make the whole stronger. You don’t find a weak spot and cover over it with flimsy reinforcements and compensations. You don’t walk around a hole in your floor, you repair it, even if it means more work than you intended. There is always more cost, more time and more work than it looked like from the start.

It is not only about developing real skill, that is the external measure. In our current world of fun, fast and easy this develops work ethic. This develops true self esteem. If a teacher in my position does not absolutely understand how to use positive reinforcement at some point those false “Good job!” praises become a lie. Eventually a student figures that out for themselves- or maybe they don’t and that is part of this entitlement epidemic we are facing- eventually they see that it not real, it is not truth, it is meant to make them FEEL good and not BE good. What is that teaching? Ask anyone that has excelled at anything if getting to that level of accomplishment always felt good. Ask them about fun, fast and easy. In our industry there is so much opportunity to develop these qualities in ourselves and in all of the people we serve. I will continue to make them wait. I believe that learning to wait and learning to work should be taught and that it is a skill to be developed just like a kick or a strike.

Shame Whisperer

I can't tell you how many times I've heard some version of " When I get in better shape I want to start your class."

My response to that is always something about martial arts being the way you get in shape. I always promote with the words that I choose that a high level of fitness is not a prerequisite to getting started. I have a personal testimony to this. If that were true I would not be where I am today, and not just to get started but over and over and over again. Through years of training in anything there are phases of pulling away from high levels of conditioning for many reasons and coming back to it feeling discouraged and not so optimal. But that is life. 

My point is that yesterday I realized that I have been feeding that myth with my actions. I have plenty of talk to encourage and tell people that everyone struggles when they start, and there are new starts spread all through a journey towards any destination. Each day, each step is a new start with new struggles.  BIG TALK. I wasn't walking that talk, not even close. I believed that I was, but by not SHOWING people how I struggle personally I was showing them that struggle is shameful. 

When I take breaks from training and my body is less defined, I cover it up.

I start again...and I do the workouts alone until I feel "fit" to lead them.

I avoid exercises that I struggle with in front of others.

The list goes on. 

Yesterday I had to finish a few rounds of the physical UBBT requirements. I had planned to do it before classes started but I was running late. As they warmed up I did the last sets of push ups...on my knees. I really had to force myself to do it then. I felt ashamed to do the push ups on my knees in front of these kids and their parents. I wanted to stand up and clarify that I had already done SO MANY and my muscles were spent, I wanted to explain why I was struggling. That's when I realized how my actions were feeding this shame gremlin whispering to me, "If you struggle you are weak...If you struggle you are weak....you are the Master, the Master shouldn't struggle with push ups...The Master should make push ups look easy....If they see you struggle they won't believe that you can help them be strong."  

If they see you struggle they won't believe that you can help them be strong. WOW.  I have been promoting this terrible lie to myself. I have been saying one thing and living another and that isn't the integrity that I want to teach or live.

Courtesy. Integrity. Perseverance. Self Control. Indomitable Spirit. At my studio we say it at the end of every class. 

Today I am thankful I will say it with new insight.