The Spaces Between Rewards

"What do you like doing best in the world, Pooh?"

 "Well," said Pooh, "what I like best---" and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you begin to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.

 

The honey doesn't taste so good once it is being eaten; the goal doesn't mean so much once it has been reached; the reward is not so rewarding once it has been given. If we add up all the rewards in our lives, we won't have very much. But if we add up the spaces between the rewards, we'll come up with quite a bit. And if we add up the rewards and the spaces, then we'll have everything- every minute of time that we spent.                             What if we could enjoy it?

...That doesn't mean the goals we have don't count. They do, mostly because they cause us to go through the process, and it's the process that makes us wise, happy, or whatever...Enjoyment of the process is the secret that erases the myths of the Great Reward and Saving Time.

 - from The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff

 

 

There has been so much time that I've spent avoiding the process or even hating the process. The process of getting good at something. I've always needed the Great Reward to keep me going. That's probably the main reason I've been at it this long. Always something new to strive for, looking to the future, looking at those that had that thing I wanted. Wondering how to get there quickly, what can I do to be better at Saving Time. Just sticking it out this long by default I got good enough. Good enough to teach, good enough to do my own thing, good enough that I make a living off of it.

 

Pooh has me wondering though. Silly old bear. What would it take for me to be more than good enough? Not a little bit good. I mean really, really, really good. I have to start looking at the process. When I'm practicing quit looking at it as a way to get where I need to go and simply putting in the work. I tend to tune that stuff out. It's what I have to do because I know I need to. What if instead of just cranking out reps--What if I was fully engaged in the process? I've always liked martial arts enough that the love balanced out the hate, and the pain wasn't enough to get in the way of the gain. What if I let go of the hate, accept the pain and just experience exactly where I am with all this? What will I learn from that? Here's what I think could happen- according to Pooh's Way:

 

"What could we call that moment before we begin to eat the honey? Some would call it anticipation, but we think it's more than that. We would cal it awareness. It's when we become happy and realize it, if only for an instant. By Enjoying the Process, we can stretch the awareness out so it's no longer only a moment, but covers the whole thing."

 

 

I think I will not only be really, really, really good- I will be grateful for the process. I will have the momentary joy of not only the reward but ALSO the joy of every moment in between.

Mountain and Sea Changing

I'm changing things already.

I've found myself caught up in the numbers on this one and that's not my intention for it at all. This is different than logging reps of forms or even being deliberate about acts of gratitude or kindness. With those things it is good to say things like, "No matter what happens today I will do my form X times. I should just do it right now so I'm sure to get it done." I will post here to see this project through but I'm taking away how long it might take. It may be that I continue to reflect on the experience long after the year of practicing 1000 reps of stuff is over. I don't want to force myself to just say something two or three times a day about every little thing I'm doing. I thought this would be a log of thoughts-quotes-pictures- whatever came up (maybe still) but I'm thinking that can easily stray towards all that stuff I don't even really read anymore on FB...I'm eating now...It is YUMMY!...I'm eating again...My belly hurts )0: Ugggh. That's not my plan. I want this to be genuine if nothing else.

My resentment toward that part of me that doesn't finish things is so strong that it stops me from starting. Staying stuck in the planning of things is safer than the risk of it not going my way and needing to be OK with a new direction.

"Mountain and sea changing: Mountain and sea means that it is bad to do the same thing over and over again...when you try something on an opponent, if it does not work the first time, you will not get any benefit out of rushing to do it again. Change your tactics abruptly, do something completely different. If that still does not work, then try something else. Thus the science of  martial arts involves the presence of mind to act as the sea when the enemy is like a mountain, and act as a mountain when the enemy is like a sea."   MM The Book of 5 Rings

Today Mountain= Stick to the plan! Sea= It is OK to change some things as you go.

To overcome my resentment toward that part of me I will need to think about being more flexible with changes. In order to win I need to be unattached to a specific strategy. I will need to change from mountain or sea in order to suit the obstacle. And if that doesn't work, then I will try something else.

Journal Two: Analysis Paralysis

In order to get anywhere with this I'm forced to overcome my life long affliction with analysis paralysis. I don't have time to sit around and figure out what I'm going to do, how I will do it, what I want it to look like at all points of progress and completion. That's why I have composition books, Evernote, note pads...all sorts of stuff capturing great ideas...and struggle, struggle, struggle through getting results. I fight the process all the way and I think it just boils down to this: I'm terrified of not knowing. I want to know so bad that I can't let go of the unknown in order to make stuff happen. Making the everyday stuff happen is OK because that's stuff I know how to do. Any changes were made in a comfortable way, I planned it out mostly, executed it well enough to feel accomplished.

Here is the problem. It isn't there in that every day stuff I'm supposed to be doing anyway. I clean my room, eat my vegetables and try to do my best taking care of my people. It's comfortable. I want to push beyond comfortable, push myself to do the hard stuff that creates real personal growth. I want to affect and inspire. These are things that I've said I want for a long time. I think that in small steps and just the intention I've done pretty well but I've been settling for the comfort of the known.

In order to get anywhere with this I'm forced to take action. Just pick something and get going.

I want to be open to not having the answers before I begin.

One

"Know the smallest things and the biggest things, the shallowest things and the deepest things. As if it were a straight road mapped out on the ground ... These things cannot be explained in detail. From one thing, know ten thousand things. When you attain the Way of strategy there will not be one thing you cannot see. You must study hard."                           -Miyamoto Musashi, The Book of Five Rings

 

I'm taking Musashi's advice. "You must study hard."

 

This is the first post that will record my studies. I am a teacher. I intend to make myself accountable to my students through this record. I want them to see that I am also still a student. I am willing to expect of myself what I expect of them. I intend to show my struggles, share my successes and express the deep desire that I have for experiential understanding of what I teach.

 

The catalyst for this project was finding out that 2012 is the last year Tom Callos will offer the Ultimate Black Belt Test. I decided now was the time, went online to register and found this post instead: The UBBT Post (If you've never heard of the UBBT you can read that and see why I wanted to do it. It's such a cool thing. In my opinion Tom Callos is just all around super cool.)

 

So, after being bummed about it for a bit, I decided I would just do my own UBBT. This is my version, I will log the experience here.

 

Over the next 12 months I will:

1. Log 1000 entries in a public journal.
2. Log 1000 acts of kindness.
3. Log 1000 meditation sessions.
4. Log letting go of or saying no to 1000 things.
5. Ask myself 1000 questions that I will answer with a direct experience rather than accepting someone else's experience as truth for me.
6. Log 1000 tabatas.
7. Log 1000 repetitions of the first black belt form.
8. Log 1000 repetitions of my current form.
9. Log 1000 sets of 10 push ups.
10. One more thing that I haven't decided about.